


In the End

by French_Fri



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Sad Harry, kinda sad Louis, rain because i have a thing for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-02-08 15:46:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1946898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/French_Fri/pseuds/French_Fri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is sad and scared but really loves Louis and Louis only really wants Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the End

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cidney](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Cidney).



> Yeah this is kinda shit but at the same time I am very proud of it because it's the first thing I've ever put out there, so I hope you at the very least like it and find it tolerable

The sky looks pissed, but at the same time it looks absolutely depressed, and it makes Harry wonder when the weather began to imitate his emotions. Deep down he assumes that if the sky were able to feel it would feel completely numb just like him because nothing can be that upset and not feel anything other than a dull numb ache. It makes Harry smile a bit, knowing something out there feels just as bad as him, makes him feel less alone. That means that there is going to be the inevitable break, it's just bound to happen. And unlike Harry's breaks all of London will be able to hear this one. It's unmistakable and unmissable, it's beautiful, and the fills the silence so many people wish to fill. The silence Harry tries to desperately to avoid because with the silence comes the bad thoughts. Harry believes he's had enough of those to occupy a lifetime. They always catch up to him though, whether or not a monsoon is ragging on outside or if he's tucked into his favorite people. The silence always comes crashing down on him.

That's why he's here on this bench in the park, minutes before a downpour. He's just looking, mind a bit fuzzy and Harry isn't sure if it's from his pills or his thoughts. Especially that constant stream of _louislouislouis_. Harry feels as if he's just been hit in the chest when he latches onto the name, his veins feel like they're filling with fire. It must be the latter. So maybe, he thinks, he should take more than his recommended dose of pills and drink more than few of his favorite drink. Deep deep down he knows he won't, but it still doesn't stop the feeling to disappear completely. Harry gets up to leave making it no more than two steps before the sky has it's breakdown.

 

→ → →        

 

Harry forgot his jacket and if Louis was there he'd tell him he was foolish for leaving it and lend him his own. Louis isn't there right now though and Harry likes the feel of the cold air on his skin and the rain battering down on him. It's nice that it's something he can feel and make perfect sense of. He pushes the wet curl from in front of his face and keeps walking. 

He walks up the drive to the most familiar thing in the world. Louis' door, and the air gets caught in this throat because he hadn't even realized he was heading this way. Before he gets a chance to catch it the door swings open and Louis is there. Literally right there in front of him and it's such a comfort he almost wants to cry. Louis' lips start to move and Harry can't make a single thing out, can't hear a single word over the pounding in his head and the ocean in his eyes. Harry notes the blue of Louis' eyes, full of panic and something wild that he can't quiet make out. He notices Louis dart his arm out and can feel his fingers brush up his arm as he grabs Harry's shirt and yanks him in. Louis toes the door closed as Harry falls into him. As Louis' grip tightens around Harry he gives up. He pushes his face into the crook of Louis' neck and lets his body go almost entirely limp. Harry wills himself to calm down and find it's quiet impossible, but then there's Louis playing with the ends of his hair and then he can breath again. Now that he can breath again he just wants to sleep. 

He realizes he must've said that out loud because Louis picks him up quickly and carries him to bed. 

 

→ → → 

 

When Harry wakes up later he is in warm bed. Wrapped in both a warm blanket and a warm body. Louis notices when he wakes up and tilts Harry's head up. He looks in his eyes and sees the most brilliant shade of sad he's ever seen in a person. The small flecks of gray and gold holding tiny storms that tell Louis so much more the Harry has been able to in such a long time. He sees something in those eyes that scare him, and he knows he'll be haunted by he look for days. Louis opens his mouth and closes it quickly not yet knowing how to convey all that he's thinking. So he kisses Harry. Something quick and soft. A kiss to help him gain more time and hopefully some of his bearings. He catches Harry's eye again and the words run from him. Leaving with each breath he takes. _I love you and I can't imagine a life without you. You're so perfect, so fucking perfect for me. All I ever needed love, all I ever needed._ He repeats it over and over, and after a while he's not sure if he's saying it for him or for Harry more. Each time he says it Harry grips to the words like life preservers savoring each one. They make him feel the slightest bit alive and less numb, and he freezes. Body tensing and Louis' words stop. The hand in Harry's hair and the one rubbing small circles on his back still. Harry realized how much he needs Louis then. He had never realized it was so much until just now, and he panics. He's never needed someone that much before, someone that wasn't his mom or his sister. It scares him more than anything has in his entire life. Harry's mind runs blank for a moment and he stands up, stumbling as he rushes to put on his jeans he ignores Louis. Tries his hardest to stop the fire that's spreading from the inside of him.

He swears he can taste smoke as he runs.

 

→ → → 

 

Louis hasn't seen Harry in over a week, and god Louis feels like it's been a lifetime. He hasn't seen him anywhere, he's not just avoiding his flat he's avoiding everywhere Louis thinks. No one is cluing him in either all of Harry's friends avoiding him like the plague. He bumps into one of them though, Niall, and he finally looks Louis in the eyes and stays there. They stare at each other for an awkward moment before Louis blurts out and asks him where the fuck Harry has been. Niall's shoulders slump slightly and suddenly looks like a miserable little kid. Louis' mind is instantly filled with swarms of buzzing thoughts most leaving him feeling more than uneasy. Niall just shakes his head and quickly writes down an address, handing it to Louis. He thanks Niall a dozen times and hugs him quickly before breaking into a sprint. He runs for his car throwing himself in it quickly pulling out and heading for Harry. Half way there he realizes the address is for the hospital and he hopes and prays that there aren't any cops out today because he nails it. He gets there without any trouble. When he gets in he find out Harry's room number quick enough. Louis is suddenly very mad at himself, his legs can't seem to carry him to the elevator or down the hall quick enough. They're just not fast enough and with each second that passes, with each room he passes that isn't _the_ room. He feels like he's dying. Louis finally gets there though, whipping into the room he sees Harry. He's paler then normal and that worries him. So Louis closes his eyes and takes a breath. One inhale one exhale and the he moves forward, grabs a chair and pulls it up to Harry. Harry watches him move, and watches Louis take his hand and kiss each of his fingertips and when he finally sees Louis' eyes he watches the way they're glazed over and he feels very compelled to speak but he can see Louis' mind working a million miles a second, so he stays quiet. It's quiet for a while but then Louis speaks.

"Has anyone been to visit?" Harry nods and tells Louis that Liam and Niall have been there to see him and that his mom and sister are there right now, just down in the cafeteria getting some coffee and probably a bite to eat because he needed a break. Louis doesn't ask if he is ruining his break he just nods and kisses Harry's hand, punctuating it with a small I love you. Harry yanks his hand away with a quick ditto and Louis wants to cry. He doesn't, he instead lets the room fill with silence and plays with the hem of his shirt until he can finally bring himself to ask why Harry is there in the first place, and Harry laughs. A laugh so filled with life that in any other situation it would seem fit but here in this moment, in this situation it feels wrong and it leaves Louis uneasy. Harry stops laughing after a while and when he does he looks Louis dead in the eyes and without a moment of hesitation he simply says, "You Louis, it's because of you." Louis is shocked. He can't remember a single time in which he had ever seen Harry sad by his doing and Harry must see his inner dilemma because he continues. "You left my entire being on fire. So I went home, and I sat on my balcony. I did the only thing that made the smoke in my chest seem like it belonged. The next thing you know it's eight days later and the food that never made it sounded like heaven and the sleep that never came finally did. When I woke up I was here, and I've been here for three days." Louis still isn't sure about what this all means, he isn't sure how on earth he caused this boy to feel that way. So he asks and Harry smiles and looks away. "Because you loved me. Loved me too much, more than I think I deserve sometimes and more than I wanted. You don't love half way though, it's all or nothing with you innit," he laughs and looks at Louis again, "so I don't want any of it. I don't want you to love me. And I sure as hell don't want to love you as much as I do, because in the end it might not be enough that I love you. I have to be there for me, I'm all I have in the end."  As much as Louis hates this, as much as he despises the words coming out of this boys mouth he hates the pleading look for Louis to leave even more.  If those eyes weren't as strong he would've stayed to try and prove this boy wrong.

As Louis leaves he bumps into Anne and she gets slightly worried when she sees the tears falling from Louis' face. Louis is quick to reassure her that Harry is fine, and he kisses her cheek, hugs Gemma quickly ignoring questions and leaves. He drives home and climbs into his bed, not leaving it for a long time. 

 

→ → → 

 

Anne gets back to Harry's room. Notes the chair and the way Harry is staring at left hand. She goes over to her chair and takes a sip of her tea letting the quiet play out before she asks what happened. Harry informs her quickly, telling her the whole thing. Her heart sinks and she feels even worse. It's short lived though, because she's slightly angry when she responds next. "You don't have to to be the only one to look out for yourself. You have me and your sister and no matter what, we'll be there for you and so will your friends. We all love you, and we wouldn't let you get hurt. Louis is good for you and he'd do the same. You have to stop pushing him away. He isn't going anywhere that you don't want him to go." She finishes with another sip of tea and all the _what if's_ and _how do you knows_ that Harry wants to scream get stuck in his throat because he doesn't want to upset his mom and he's pretty sure she's right. Louis has only been gone for a few minutes, he may have even sent him away forever, and he doesn't like it one bit.

 

Harry's out a few days later and he can't will himself to go see Louis.

 

→ → → 

 

Louis hear a knock and solemnly rolls out of bed trudging down the hall to the door. He opens it quickly, completely ready to send someone away, when he sees Harry. His heart lurches in his chest and he's so relived to have him this close again he almost reaches out to touch him. It hits him then that. Harry is probably only there for his things so Louis turns around - leaving the door open - and walks back to his room. There's a box in the corner of Louis' room, harboring all of Harry's things and as much as he wants to keep it all, for fucks sake keep Harry, he can't. He does manage to find his favorite jumper of Harry's though and toss it on his bed before he picks up the box and carries it back out. When Harry see's the box he looks confused and his head lolls to the side.

"What's this?"  Louis takes a second to collect himself before he throws both arms out and extends the box to Harry.

"I figured you where here for your stuff. I haven't been able to gather it all." He tells Harry he's been busy and talks about going to see old friends and his family. By all means it's just a lie, but Harry doesn't have to know that. He doesn't have to know that Louis' been to sad to leave his bed, doesn't have to know that he knows where all of it really is and by giving it all back it's as if he's Harry every piece of his world. Harry takes the box, still a bit bewildered, but doesn't leave. He just stands there. 

"I actually came over to talk." Oh, and it gets so quiet but in Louis' mind it sounds excruciatingly loud that he steps aside and lets Harry in. He sets his box down as Louis closes the door and they both make their way over to the couch. They sit on opposite sides, leaving Louis wondering if it feels like oceans to Harry too. Harry doesn't speak, and it seems like as good a time as ever, so Louis does.

"I haven't been busy."  
  
"I know."

"I've been sad."

"I can see that."

"I could barley make it out of my bed sometimes."

"So I've figured." And it's quiet again. Harry starts fidgeting with his hands, worry mapping itself to his body, his mouth opens and closes like the words are getting stuck. He finally leaves it open long enough to make a sound.

"I'm sorry I said I didn't want you." It's a blunt and simple statement and Louis doesn't take it as much, and yet at the same time his mind grabs it because it's the best thing he's heard in ages.

"I know." and it's all Louis can say. Harry murmurs out something fast.

"No, no it's not okay." And Louis can only say I know, again and again. Even when Harry says I love you, I love you a lot. He only changes his mantra when Harry changes his.

"I'm just scared you'll leave Lou."

"I won't leave you Harry." Louis hopes those five words comfort Harry because he honestly means them more than anything he's ever said in his entire life.

"How do I know you won't?"

"You don't. You just have to put a little faith in me." Harry wipes his hands on his pants, eyes filled with fear.

"That's dangerous Lou."

"Stop. Okay just stop. You're allowed to let others take care of you. Not everyone is out to get you, I'm certainly not. I love you and I just want you happy and you can't be happy if you don't get that I do mean that." Harry pauses for a moment, room getting silent fast. Louis hears Harry take a deep breath and feels him look at him.

"It just scares me."

"It's human nature to be scared."

"I love you, Louis."

"I know."

"And you love me?"

"I do." Harry smiles when Louis says it.

"Can we take baby steps?" Louis doesn't say anything just looks at him for a moment, so Harry quickly goes on.

"I don't want to get hurt, so baby steps."

"I don't want to hurt you Harry, I won't hurt you. So jump right in." God Louis has never seen so much fear before, the universe that holds fear explodes into those eyes and simultaneously rips a can't out of Harry's throat.

"I'm scarred Lou, I can't."

"I am too, just take a chance. I just want you to take a chance." Harry isn't looking at Louis anymore but he can feel his hand touch his.

"For you Lou? ... Anything." Louis heart did flips, shock settling quieting him down. The silence left Harry pulling away, back pleading looking for an escape. Louis zoned back into reality to a stream of sorry pouring from Harry. Louis grabbed Harry and pulls him close.

"Stop. Okay, stop. I'm fine. You're fine. It's all okay. We're okay?" Harry nods against him pulling away from Louis.

"Yeah. We're fine. I'm fine." He smiles and puts his hands on Louis'. It's a small simple gesture but it's a fucking grand one.

 


End file.
